Tweens and Digital Media Use
Let’s talk about tweens and digital media usage. I frequently get asked by parents of my Middle Schoolers for recommendations regarding their tweens and smartphones, social media, gaming, and various Apps. I think for most parents this is a hard topic to discuss, discipline, enforce and parent on.
COPPA
Let’s start this discussion by addressing the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA). The goal of COPPA is to give parents the control in what information is being collected on children under the age of 13 online. This rule applies to websites and online services (including mobile apps) that are directed to children under the age of 13 that collect, use or disclose personal information to children and require parental consent as well as posting a clear and comprehensive online privacy policy. This rule defines personal information to include: name, home address, contact information, username, telephone number social security number, photography, video or audio file, persistent identifies, and geolocation information.
So your tween is begging for a smartphone
So with COPPA in mind most social media apps (since they collect certain information) like FaceBook, Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube require kids be 13 to sign up (again kids could easily lie and say they are 13 to create an account). Personally 13 is around the age most kids are expressing a desire to control more of their own social activities including joining a social network and pushing parents for a smartphone. Depending on the maturity of the kid, if your child is expressing an interest in social media, a discussion on why they are interested as well as the pros/cons is the first step you can take together. It’s important to discuss that social media doesn’t always reflect real life (many accounts post only the “happy, posed and perfect” images). Body image, gender stereotypes and risky behavior are some of the issues that can be found within social media as well.
If you feel they are responsible and able to handle having their own social media presence, the next step is setting some ground rules and boundaries. These should include privacy settings (no location service, account private, etc.), knowing who they are following/ followers are (and allowing the parent to follow/friend), teaching about digital footprint (thinking through before they post, comment or message), digital citizenship (being respectful, no cyberbullying, etc.), and keeping private information private (don’t share address, school, or other sensitive info someone could use to find you in person).
Finally we need to address various situations that they could encounter online within these social media settings. Things such as what to do if they see or come across hate speech, cyberbullying, or sexually explicit/ pornographic images. These are uncomfortable conversations to have but our children need to know that they can come to use in they encounter something they find scary, frightening, uncomfortable or even curious about. We don’t want our children feeling like they need to hide or keep secret their online behavior. They may not even seek out these types of things but theres a good chance they will come across it at some point (even with parental controls on). Teaching them what to do in these situation and that they can come to you without judgement will help them explore their social media presence safely and confidently.
To recap:
- Talk about why they want a social media account. Discuss the pros/cons of digital media, digital footprint and online presence
- Unrealistic body image
- Portrays risky behaviors as common and normal when thats not the case
- Harmful stereotypes (gender, racial, etc.) can still be found
- Set some ground rules
- No location services
- Keep account private
- Know followers/ who following
- Impact of digital footprint
- Keep private info private
- Talk through potential scenarios they could encounter and how they would handle those situations
- Hate Speech
- Cyberbullying
- Pornographic or sexual explicit images
- Uncomfortable or odd messages from strangers
Ground Rules
After setting some rules regarding keeping accounts privacy, it’s also a good idea to set some house ground rules. These can include no phones in bedrooms, no using 30 minutes before bedtime, no phones during mealtime/ family time and no social media use while doing homework. Once you introduce a phone to your tween/ teen I recommend updating your Family Media Use Plan to include the ground rules regarding cellphones so that the expectations of what is allowed/ not allowed is clear from the beginning.
Another basic rule is that you should be able to follow your child’s accounts and if your child’s behavior changes (becomes moody, isolated, grades decline, etc.) then you may need to check the accounts (including personal DM’s, messages, etc.). This is not done out of mis-trust but out of concern and to create open communication.
It also should be discussed that cell phones shouldn’t be used while driving a car or even walking. The National Safety Council estimated that cell phones are involved in 27% of crashes. Safe Kids Worldwide found that 40% of kids age 13-18 said they have been hit or nearly hit by a car, bike or motorcycle while walking.
So how do you address a child under 13 who wants to join a social network?
Frequently parents are looking for permission to feel better about kids younger than 13 joining social networks. The fact of the matter is that sites like Instagram and Snapchat have inappropriate images and language as well as mature content that is not meant for children. Social media apps can also be addicting, show advertisements and show unrealistic body images as well as ‘perfect and curated images’ that have been edited and photoshopped which portray an unrealistic reality. The best advice I can give for parents of children under 13 is to find like-minded parents in your children’s friends group and make a pact to ban social media until your children are 13. This will help create a environment where your child as well as their friends are in the same boat regarding social media accounts (and makes you less of a bad guy as the parent). Parenting is hard but we must make these difficult decisions to protect our children until they are developmentally able to handle a online presence.
No matter when you feel your child is ready for a social media presence (heck I know that the parent knows their child best) these strategies will be useful in setting up the ground rules so that your child can have a tech-positive experience with social media. And the fact of the matter is some kids are still too immature at 13. This decision is a case by case, kid by kid decision that each parent needs to make when you feel your child is 100% able to handle the responsibility. Our kids already have a presence online (even if you’ve tried to limit it) with what parents, relatives, etc. have shared and when they become a certain age they are going to want to independently explore and create their own presence. The best thing we parents can do is check-in frequently (just like asking how their day at school was, we should be consistently asking how things are going online) and continue the hard conversations so that are children can grow to be independent, autonomous and happy.
The following shares a sample social connections chart that outlines an approach to slowly building your child’s online social network. This starts with parents knowing all contacts/ friends/ followers.
SmartPhones, Sleep, and Healthy Habits
Tweens and Teens still need 8-10 hours of sleep a night (according to the AAP). A smart phone and devices can interrupt not only sleep but other healthy habits (such a exercise and homework time). I always recommend to parents that phones and devices should not be allowed in the bedroom. This helps with your child going to sleep when they go to bed at night. This also creates an open environment where communication can occur with your child about what they are doing on their phones/ devices since they’re not using it in a isolated space like the bedroom.
Every child is different and the choice of when to give a smartphone and social media profile will vary based on the child and their development and maturity. As long as our kids use smartphones and devices, ongoing conversations will be necessary so that they can become competent digital users. As parents and educations we want our children to have the tools to navigate technology and become technological literate and good digital citizens.
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